A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and the next day she was.

She is a clever old lady, and manages to keep out of sight but whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance there she is, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body! This is very rude. I have tried screaming at her but she just screams back.

I don't want to  jump to any conclusions but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100 and a few days later its all gone. I certainly don't spend money that fast so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me.

You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. Lord knows she needs it! And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate - especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies and candy. I can't seem to keep that stuff in the house anymore. She must have a really sweet tooth but she'd better watch it because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this and to make herself feel better she is tampering with MY scale to make me think I am putting on weight too.

For an old lady she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularly annoying  since I am  extremely neat and organized.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines and blurs the print  so I can't read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my drivers license and just as the camera shutter clicked she jumped in front of me! No one is going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me.

She has done other things as well. She has made my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier, and all my kitchen faucets harder to turn. She even raised my bed higher so that getting in and out of it is a real challenge. She has also put something on all the jar rims in my refrigerator and cupboards in the kitchen so it is almost impossible to open the lids.

She has taken all the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in all of these outfits. Plus she keeps me from seeing just how great they look on me.

Do you have any suggestions as to how I can rid myself of this unwelcome, uninvited guest?

If you have any ideas  regarding humane repellent methods  please leave me a note giving me  your suggestions in my guest book. I don't wish to be unnecessarily cruel to the old lady. I just really want her to go away !  At least for the foreseeable future.

I cannot take credit for writing the above, but I have done a fair amount of editing to reflect my personal thoughts and my weird sense of humour. I have had this gem for several years.  I have no idea where it originally came from, but have always loved it. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I do. Unfortunately ... these days there is more truth  there than I might like <g>